Right of Passage

When the weather is beautiful, like it is now, I like to take a nice, brisk walk down the trail. Often, though, my pace is needlessly impeded. Certain groups of people fail to abide by Michaela's 2 Principles of Trail-Sharing:

1) Trails operate effectively like roads. There are people going two directions, and you should walk/bike/rollerblade close on the right side of the trail. Passing should occur on the left. Further meditation on this principle would preclude any lolligagging down the middle of the trail, weaving back and forth, or forcing people coming the other way into the mud because you are walking "with someone."

2) Not all people go the same speed. Some of us are gifted with longer legs, better muscle tone, and more competitive natures than others. The logical implication of this is that people should facilitate being passed by other people. Many people wish to progress at faster clip than that of an ambling fat man, pooping dog, or toddling infant. Still fewer people wish to come to a complete stop and have a conversation in the middle of the bike trail.

I have further discovered that the main violators of Michaela's Principles are from certain demographic groups, namely Old People, Families, and Dogowners. Old people tend to be some of the worst lolligaggers. They always act genuinely surprised when one sloshes around them from the edge of the trail because they are in the middle of it. They also fail to see the virtue in going Single File. Or perhaps they do. Their pugnacious looks indicate a "those young whipper-snappers had better step off the trail or I'll hit them with my cane" attitude.

Families are the dominant trail hogs, though. They're really the dirty bomb of trail perils, as they are often composed of multiple hazards such as old people, children, and dogs. The father of the family usually walks slightly in front (though not far enough in front to form a vertical line), usually wearing a football fleece, and usually with a potbelly puffed out -- the bow of the familial vessel. Following behind is a weaving, arm-locked band of kiddie bikes, puppies, and wheelchairs, sure to throw any serious exerciser completely off rhythm.

Worst, really, are dogowners, because dogs aren't people. They're not even felines. Yet their owners obviously consider them worthy of taking up 10 times more trail than a person with their ridiculously long leashes. And then when they pass another dogowner, inevitably they stop and encourage the dogs to sniff each other, forming an impermeable barrier of rope and fur across the trail.

The demographics of trail violators indicate to me that they know they should be considerate and share the trail, and that they even know how. Rather, they consider themselves -- old people, families, and dogowners -- to be the embodiment of "America." Malevolent interest groups like Focus on the Family, AARP, and the American Kennel Club further reinforce these illusions of privilege. Young people, single people, and non-dog people can betake themselves down the wide road to you-know-where.