Hear Ye, Hear Ye

Dana is a manifoldly-talented and manifestly-beautiful human being. She glides around her red-doored dwelling radiating heavenly essence and incense. She has the soul of a cherubim and the mind of a seraphim. If the-Patristic-dude-who-thought-we'd-be-round-in-heaven were right, she'd already be a perfect sphere.

Electronic Resources

I just realized that many of you poor souls in post-graduation land don't have access to the 1500 networked electronic resources available through the university.

Great Scott! You probably don't even have the OED! To partially remedy your misfortune, perhaps I will post some entries. Do you feel better now?

Weisenheimer

U.S. slang.

[f. WISE a. + -enheimer, as in German names such as Oppenheimer.]
A wiseacre, a ‘clever dick’. Also attrib. or as adj.
1904 R. L. MCCARDELL Show Girl & her Friends 51 He wants to know some good way to reduce his weight... You don't know any such a way? No? Why, I thought you was a wiseheimer. 1919 MENCKEN Amer. Lang. v. 151 Several years ago -heimer had a great vogue in slang, and was rapidly done to death. But wiseheimer remains in colloquial use as a facetious synonym for smart-aleck, and after awhile it may gradually acquire dignity. 1919 National Police Gaz. (U.S.) 4 Jan. 3/1 Cawkins..like a true Wisenheimer, considered the gentle, goosey kind of a beautiful girl the most appetizing. 1922 S. LEWIS Babbitt xxiv. 287 The wisenheimers grab a look at a fellow's nails when they want to tell if he's a tinhorn or a real gent! 1937 Amer. Speech XII. 9/2 Some wiseheimer American newspaper man has picked this up and tagged it onto President Hoover. 1957 J. D. SALINGER Franny & Zooey (1964) 65 We were nervous..at the statistics on child pedants and academic weisenheimers who grow up into faculty-recreation-room savants. 1959 Washington Post 26 Dec. A19/2 Then some wisenheimer from the agency decided we needed a trailer. 1975 Times Lit. Suppl. 21 Feb. 185/1 The wisenheimer who gets his ornate come-uppance. 1977 M. BABSON Murder, Murder, Little Star vii. 50, I shoulda listened to her. But..I was too wisenheimer.

Wiseacre

1. One who thinks himself, or wishes to be thought, wise; a pretender to wisdom; a foolish person with an air or affectation of wisdom.
1595 Enq. Tripe-wife (1881) 146 Shall he run vp and downe the town,..accompanied with some such wise-akers as himselfe. 1609 DEKKER Gulls Horn-bk. Proemium 5 Thou Lady of Clownes and Carters, Schoolemistres of fooles and wisacres. 1654 WHITLOCK Zootomia 47 Syrupe of Poppy, (that edged Tool in the hands of such Doctor Wise~akers). 1711 STEELE Spect. No. 138 6 This Wiseacre was reckoned by the Parish, who did not understand him, a most excellent Preacher. 1810 SCOTT Fam. Lett. 31 Dec. (1894) I. vi. 202 This wise-acre thinks he should have a finger in every man's pie. 1852 THACKERAY Esmond I. xiii, I have heard politicians and coffee-house wise-acres talking over the newspaper. 1874 J. T. MICKLETHWAITE Mod. Par. Churches 115 The architect..is lectured on his own art by wiseacres, whose whole stock of knowledge is got up from ‘Parker's Glossary’.
b. Used in pl. form of a single person; sometimes as a quasi-proper name. Obs.
?1613 J. TAYLOR (Water P.) Laugh & be fat Wks. (1630) II. 71/1 A learned wiseakers. 1615 TOFTE Varchi's Blazon Jealousie 24 note, Wiseakers her Husband, neuer so much as once doubting or dreaming of any such matter. 1673 S'too him Bayes 9 When he has done (like a wise-acres) he makes nothing of it.
¶c. With allusion to acres as = ‘lands’; in first quot. app. applied to a landed estate.
1608 Yorksh. Trag. I. iii, Is the rubbish sold, those wise~akers your lands? a1734 NORTH Exam. II. v. §128 (1740) 394 If wise by their Acres, or, in a word Wiseacres, it was expected the Guineys should come out, for the Uses of Mobbing.
2. A wise or learned person, a sage. (Usually contemptuous.)
1753 in Gentl. Mag. XXIII. 417 (spuriously archaic) Pythagoras lerned muchebecomming a myghtye wyse~acre. 1814 Sporting Mag. XLIV. 271 The concourse of wiseacres..was truly astonishing. 1842 THACKERAY Fitz-Boodle's Conf. Pref., It requires no great wiseacre to know that. 1902 Sat. Rev. 29 Nov. 677/2 The stoic paradox that the cobbler who has got wisdom is the universal wiseacre.
Hence (nonce-wds.) wiseacred (-d) a., having the character of a wiseacre (in quot. with allusion to acre: cf. 1c above), whence wiseacredness; wiseacredom, the realm of wiseacres, wiseacres collectively; wiseacreish (-r) a., like or characteristic of a wiseacre (whence wiseacreishness); wiseacreism (-rz()m), wiseacrery (-r), something characteristic of a wiseacre; pretension to or affectation of wisdom, or a remark exhibiting this.
1603 DEKKER Wonderful Year B3, Each *wise-acred Landlord.
1848 EARL NORTHBROOK in Mallet Mem. (1908) 39 The conceited phraseology and would-be *wiseacredness of its professors.
1885 A. DOBSON Don Quix. in Sign of Lyre 93 To make *Wiseacredom, both high and low, Rub purblind eyes.
1834 J. WILSON in Blackw. Mag. XXXVI. 415 He..then perpends, in a *wiseacreish pause, to consider if they are all to be found.
1895 SAINTSBURY Corrected Impr. ii. 12 Ex post facto *wiseacre-ishness.
1861 T. L. PEACOCK Gryll Grange xxiii, Whist is more consentaneous to modern solemnity: there is more *wiseacre-ism about it.
1917 SAINTSBURY Hist. Fr. Novel I. 371 Interrupting his vizier and the other tale-tellers with *wiseacreries.

Poll: Should I Start Taking Baths?

Dana inspired me while I was in VA. She would take luxuriantly long baths and even had a little pillow for her back. Now, there are several obstacles to my successful bathing. First of all, the average tub tends to be a little, well, cramped for me. I wonder if they make custom tubs like they make custom caskets? Second of all, I've heard that sinks are usually more germy than toilet bowls--makes me wonder where tubs fit on the spectrum. I would definitely get down and dirty with the bleach before I commenced bathing. So what do you think?

1) Michaela's poor, tired, oversized bones deserve it!
2) Baths take less water and are better for the environment.
3) Michaela should stick to showers so she stays away from the bleach fumes.
4) Bathing is unsuitable material for a public blog.
5) Michaela obviously has too much time on her hands and should take up bobsledding.
6) Michaela should make a profession of pointless polls.
7) I will personally send Michaela some lovely lavender-scented bath foam and a rubber ducky(preferred response).

The Futility of Logic

Most people do not operate logically. Adults put up a facade; children are innocent bundles of wants and emotions.

Example 1:

A: Push me!
M: But you were dragging your feet and twisting sideways so that you stopped. The purpose of pushing is to swing. If you don't want to swing, then you don't need me to push you.
A: PUUUSHHHH MEEEEE!!!!!!

Example 2:

A: There are chemicals in the bathroom!!!
M: Mommy must have left the 405 there.
A: You need to put it back in the plastic container in the basement so I don't swallow it!!!!!!
M: *thinks but wisely does not say* If you know where it belongs and you know that you shouldn't swallow it, does it really matter if it is sitting in the bathroom?

Example 3:

A: *lying on the couch whining* My pen won't work.
M: It is out of ink; come over here and we'll see if we can fix it or find another color.
A: *continues lying on the couch whining*
M: We can't do anything while you're on the couch.
A: *continues lying on the couch whimpering for an indeterminate time*

Autumn and Bartleby.com

I was looking at quotations on Bartleby.com for a poetic heading for my pictures. As a great lover of Autumn, I was rather offended by this bit of Robert Browning:

Autumn wins you best by this its mute
Appeal to sympathy for its decay.
("Paracelsus," pt. 1, 1.25-26, 1835)

Wallace Steven advances another rather gruesome (but more eloquent?) acknowledgement of Autumn's appeal:


You like it under the trees in autumn,
Because everything is half dead.
The wind moves like a cripple among the leaves
And repeats words without meaning.
("The Motive for Metaphor")

My love for autumn has less to do with sympathy or necrophilia and more to do with the ethereal colors and crisp, invigorating air that is such a relief from the oppression of summer. As the trees become bare, humans begin to shroud their naked tans in the mysterious furs and wools of winter. Autumnal power and majesty are much better expressed in a verse by Geoffrey Hill (have any of you lit majors heard of him?)

Autumn resumes the land, ruffles the woods
with smoky wings, entangles them.
("An Apology for the Revival of Christian Architecture in England" New and Collected Poems, 1952 - 1992)

Shelley also has a proper admiration for Autumn (and I've actually read the whole poem before, for those of you who are horrified by my quote-digging).

There is a harmony
In autumn, and a lustre in its sky,
Which through the summer is not heard or seen,
As if it could not be, as if it had not been!
("Hymn to Intellectual Beauty," 1816)

And, yes, Thoreau and I agree on something! (Perhaps you could take him for your model of outdoorsieness, Em, rather than Ma and Pa Kettle? So much more dignified, really. I'd much rather see you lying on a frozen pond than driving a rusting pick-up and chewing tobacco).

All the hills blush; I think that autumn must be the best season to journey over even the Green Mountains. You frequently exclaim to yourself, What red maples!
(A Yankee in Canada)

Francis Trollope upon visiting America:

The American spring is by no means so agreeable as the American autumn; both move with faltering step, and slow; but this lingering pace, which is delicious in autumn, is most tormenting in the spring.
(Domestic Manners of the Americans, 1832.)

And leave it to Camus to expand admiration for the season into a plea for humanity:

Martha: “What is Autumn?”
Jan: “A second spring, where the leaves imitate the flowers. Maybe it would be so too with human beings that you would see bloom if only you helped them with your patience.”
("The Misunderstanding," 1958)

I am too tired to look up the context for all these quotes right now, so feel free to condemn librarians and their damnable reference works for truncating poetry and literature. I admit it: all this text is merely a background for my pictures. This is my first real Autumn in many years. I've just been to Virginia, and it puts up a poor show compared to the north. I feel fallish.

Sunday

Here's the Funny Picture...

BTW, It's my Birthday!

Whereas...

I ate a sizeable bowl of old-fashioned oats this morning at the behest of Mr. Derby.

You may have noticed that I now have a counter on my blog because I am insecure. I make myself feel loved by setting my blog as my home page and counting my own visits.

Yesterday we were talking about collective memory in SI 504 and, among other examples of monuments/documents that create social consensus, one of the professors put a slide up of the Constitution. With George W. and three drones in suits looking at it. Everyone started laughing and derogatory remarks flew across the classroom. "He's having it read to him," commented the other professor. It's so unfamiliar yet satisfying to be around around other people who hate the Patriot Act, the War on Iraq, and the "Protect Marriage" amendment. Of course, everyone looks at me askance when I say that Roe v. Wade was an invasion of state's rights. I really think I am probably the only person who has the power to read the collective mind of the Founders (funny how everyone else seems to think they do, too).

I get to see Churchill and Mazzini tonight! And Darcy and Dana and Brooks!

Eating

I was going to put a picture of a starving person up for this post, but the only ones I could find were, like, of African babies or Holocaust victims, so I decided that was a little insensitive even for me.

There must be something inherently lean-looking about grad students. Which is understandable. My diet consists of a lot of carbs and dairy. Fruit and vegetables are impractical. Grapes I can eat before they go bad, but broccoli and lettuce start festering and wilting long before I get to the bottom of the bag. So I eat grilled cheese sandwiches and eggs just about every night. And even though I eat cereal every morning (I currently have four boxes), I can never finish a whole gallon of milk before it sours (I buy it because it is $0.10 cheaper than the half gallons when it is on sale, which is every week). Fibre is whole wheat bread, and antioxidants consist of green tea. My idea of a hot meal is enriched pasta with spaghetti sauce poured over it.

So my house mate occasionally takes pity on me and sits me down to broccoli and beef and rice. It is a symbiotic relationship because I always do the dishes. They often have free food at school....food like pizza and cookies and pop...because they care about our nutrition (?).

In other news, we were a grumpy lot in SI 501 today. It was rainy and cold, and we were discussing corporate culture and flow charts. I'm still not entirely sure why. Our unlucky GSI picked a bad day to have an evaluator come in and ask us how he (the GSI) was doing. But my group drew a nifty "artifact model" of a map book during the discussion time. You see, our big project is making suggestions to the map librarian about how to digitize rare articles and still keep them secure. Part of the challenge is preserving all the "metadata" like fly pages, watermarks, and notes in the margins.

Teacups

I am drinking a cup of green tea. Everytime I try to drink it, either the spoon or the string on the teabag hits me on the nose. I can only drink tea with lots of honey and lemon in it. Just like I don't like "real" beer. I like sugar and fruit and I am not ashamed of it. So there.

Eclipse (Beta Band)

The people asking questions to the people with the answers
The people with the answers ire the people with the questions
So the people with the questions asked the people with the answers
The people with the answers won't tell the people with the questions the answers

So the people with the questions they ask the people with the answers
But the people with the answers won't speak to them
Because the people with the answers give the people with the questions just a little bit too hard a time to speak to

I'm a man who likes to be alone
I'm a man who likes to think aloneI don't have too many answers, but I got a whole heap of questions
I got a whole heap of questions that I won't hide from you
So low, don't smile you get high

So the people with the books they went and stood up on the mountain
To get away from the people with no books
The people with the books they started reading on the mountain
but
they couldn't see a thing because the sky went dark
I don't know where the cloud cover came from
I'm just sitting here rocking on the station

I don't want to be the type of guy
who lives alone, reading books, and never eats a pizza pie
I don't want to be the type of person sitting alone with a book on my own

With a book on my own

The people with the questions got together
with the people with the books and left the people with answers out
So the people with the answers started to make their way over the hill
to meet with people with the questions and the people with the books

And we all live together on a little round ball
We all sing together when the cuckoo calls

I'm not the type best living alone
Could we live together? Well, I don't know..

I'm not sitting here giving you a lesson
So I'll just keep my mouth shut for the next few minutes

Can't keep quiet for long
I'm a human being
Can't help help singing this song
I'm a human being

You won't listen to me
I'm not an authority

So the people with the answers met the people with the questions
and the people with the books sat down
They finally decided to sit around to talk about their problems
to see if they come up with some answers to meet the questions
and some questions to meet the answers

well, the leaves on the trees are green
[ok we're agreed on that]
and the roads are not very clean
[ok we're agreed on that]
and the food we eat is not very healthy
[ok we're agreed on that]
and the music we make is not particularily good
[ok we're agreed on that]
and the planets sort of revolve around the sun
[ok we're agreed on that]
and the moon is a big ball with nothing on it, and I don't think anyone's ever been there
[ok, so we're kind of agreed to that, so what are we arguing about?
Well, I don't know.. Ok. so let's get together and smoke that pizza pie]

Some people with a pizza pie made me very high
The people with the questions smile
And the people with the answers lie
They lie

So no pizza for them.

Blue Lost :-(

To Minnesota...Coach Carr is an imbecile.

The Curse of the Librarian

"For him that steals, or borrows and returns not, a book from its owner, let it change into a serpent in his hand and rend him. Let him be struck with palsy, and all his members blasted. Let him languish in pain crying aloud for mercy, and let there be no surcease to his agony till he sing in dissolution. Let bookworms gnaw at his entrails in token of the Worm that dieth not. And when at last he goes to his final punishment, let the flames of Hell consume him for ever."

Inscription at the library of the San Pedro monastery in Barcelona, from The Island of Lost Maps, A True Story of Cartographic Crime, by Miles Harvey.

Don't you think they should inscribe this on overdue notices?

The Willi Hooper?

In Library Science programs, they talk a lot about famous archives and libraries named after philanthropists--"The Bentley," "The Beinecke," "The Peabody." Do you think my name could ever sound auspicious?